Can You Be Codependent if You’re Independent?
When you think of codependence what comes to mind? Maybe you think of that couple you know that does literally everything together and can’t stand to be apart. Maybe you think of the girl who’s on the phone with her mom 3 times a day and texting her every detail of her life.
You certainly don’t think of the archetypal “independent women” or people you know. The one who thrives on their own and never seems to ask anyone for help.
But some of the Miss Independents out there are actually covert codependents.
It could look like this…
You navigate conversations like an emotional intelligence ninja, trying to ensure the best possible outcomes for everyone where no one’s feelings get hurt
You’re always there for the people in your life & you hardly ever ask for help… because you assume they’ll let you down or you’re just too scared to
You never want to inconvenience anyone else so you end up bending over backwards to make things easier for people
You often tell people you’re fine and minimize your own struggles
You’re really good at keeping the peace
You hate to admit it but you’re a little resentful of people not recognizing how much you do for them
You have a voice in your head that’s always monitoring & assessing how everyone else feels, or might feel, or may have felt
If you learned to put others’ needs before your own, you may have adapted fierce independence because you learned the only way to get what you need is to do it yourself.
This can be great. You can take care of yourself and don’t need much help. You thrive at work, you’re super autonomous, and your friends and romantic partners love that you’re so laid back and “low maintenance”.
You could also end up feeling a little disconnected from the people in your life. You know that if you tell them what you really want and need, you’ll get so worried about how it affects them that you’ll end up abandoning yourself, so you keep it all inside.
Maybe you also find yourself feeling resentful at times, wishing other people would think about you every once in a while. When other people need your help it feels great - at first. You know exactly what to do, but it starts to drain you to give more than you get.
What’s wrong with being independent?
Nothing. It’s really badass to be able to function so autonomously.
It’s just not sustainable 100% of the time. People need each other. We’re social creatures who are wired for connection.
There are extremes at both ends of the spectrum. Too enmeshed and we lose sight of where we begin and others end. Boundaries feel impossible. It is too much for one person to carry the weight of everyone else around them. Too independent and we feel isolated, lonely, and unseen.
The goal is interdependence - the ability to depend on each other.
Independent Codependents often keep a lot to themselves. You are so worried and concerned with how your thoughts, feelings or needs might inconvenience or impact others that you end up keeping it all to yourself. This is putting others wants and needs before your own, to your own detriment.
Here’s a hard truth - It may be that your self esteem hinges so precariously on others’ perception of you that you are terrified to let them see any part of you you’re not already completely confident in. This is depending on others to define your self.
It’s hard to feel truly seen and accepted by the people in your life when you’re not letting them see all of you. True belonging involves learning to be bravely vulnerable enough to admit when you might need, or even just want, help.
It doesn’t have to happen overnight and this may frustrate you - many independent codependents are also perfectionists. But it is absolutely possible. You can learn to let others in.